Cancer Doesn't Scare Me

     It's not the middle of the night. I'm not curled up in bed with my dog sleeping next to me while I type this. I haven't seen my dog in going on 4 days. I'm sitting on the uncomfortable couch that I call a bed in Mama's hospital room. This has been our home for a week come tomorrow it will likely be our home again in a few weeks. This is known as the chemo-system cycle. Get chemo, have your immune system bottom out, get hospitalized, go home, get chemo, repeat cycle. It's been a rough week. I have finals next week, this semester is finally almost over. My juggling act will be down one major ball. Yay!
     A week ago I had a Revelation; I'm not scared of cancer. I've known cancer for as long as I can remember. It's had a hold on my family my entire life. When I was little the word cancer would make me cry, it was worse than the monster in my closet. To me cancer was the world's scariest monster. That's not true. Cancer isn't scary. What cancer can take is scary but cancer itself isn't scary. When Mama spiked a fever and nothing I did helped I got worried. When we got admitted to the hospital and the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing the fever or why it was getting worse I got scared. When the fever finally broke early Thursday morning I walked into the restroom, locked the door, turned on the sink and cried. I was relieved beyond measure. I had been rendered helpless and an infection could kill my mama. That feeling and knowledge takes scary to a whole new level.
     We still don't know what caused the fever but Mama's blood cell counts and hemoglobin are starting to rise. A very very VERY slow rise but a rise. She now has about a tenth of the immune system of a normal person that's better than being bottomed out like we were last week. We might be released Thursday (they told us Wednesday on Monday) but that is very dependent on how quickly the counts continue to rise. Sooner or later I'll be able to sleep in my own bed again. I'm gonna have to go see my dog before that. A girl's gotta have intermittent furbaby cuddles to survive long periods of stress,don't judge me!
     We had two more chemo treatments to get through. That would've been only a month left if we could have kept to the prescribed regiment. It is now looking like 6-8 weeks and possibly 3-4 smaller  chemo doses. That does not thrill Mama or me. We are both ready for a break. Fighting cancer drains you both mentally and physically. I think chemo-brain may also be contagious but it may just be the sleep deprivation and running around like a chicken with my head cut off catching up to me. Or one the things I'm suppose to be juggling could've hit me in the head, who knows...not me!
     This roller coaster called chemo that cancer has us on is a hard ride and I'm ready to get off. I can guarantee you Mama is even more ready than I am. The next ride is the mastectomy, I'm not too excited for that one, I'm not excited for any rides in CancerLand to be honest. I'm ready for our trip to SurvivorWorld. We'll get there next year, it's not that far away. Time will go faster than we think. I will remain hopeful.

TTYS,

Aleena