The spark has returned! For a while I haven’t felt like
sharing. Maybe for a while I just wanted to get through stuff on my own without the
whole world being in on it. Or for a while I haven’t been able to put my
thoughts in an acceptable enough order to share. I think I’ve finally come up
with something I want to share and that I just might be able to make sense to
other people.
I’ve stated before that cancer has been a part of my life
for as long as I can remember. It’s played a very big role in my past and the
person I have become. I’ve known cancer would play a big role in my future but yesterday I
had an idea of just how big a role in my future it would play sink in. Now this
idea has been thrown at me twice before but I always brushed it off. Yesterday it
hit home and hit home hard. It’s not so much an idea as it is a realization I
guess. The realization also has two parts both of which kinda really REALLY suck.
In case any one missed the memo cancer sucks. Cancer really REALLY sucks.
Part One: There are 10 well known common cancer awareness ribbon
colors. Of those 10 I can honestly wear 6 of them as they have impacted my life
tremendously. Each of those ribbons has a name attached. 5 out of 6 have
multiple names attached and with those multiple names 5 out of 6 are blood
relatives. 5 out of 6 are also direct family members. That’s a lot of cancer. When
I shared that realization with a friend who also lacks a brain to mouth filter like
me, she stunned me with her response. “Your gonna end up with something. The
numbers are just there.” So that’s what I sound like to other people. I can see
why some people are put off by my honesty. I don’t have anything…yet. I’ve
seen the pain, struggles, and even death 6 out of 10 types of cancer bring. I’ve
cared for, loved, and even helped treat (some not all) 6 out of 10 types of cancer.
Cancer has given me the gift of empathy, compassion, and understanding for 6
out of 10 types of Cancer. If it is in the plan unknown to me I could be a
survivor like 4 out of 6. Or I could join the 2 out of 6 worn in
honor of the fallen. I don’t want to die but there is a possibility cancer
could kill me. I also realized I come from a long line of cancer fighting, strong, amazing people. I’ll be durned if I won’t go down kicking and screaming like the rest.
Part Two: This is the part I’ve heard before and this is also
the part I’ve never really let sink in. This is the part
that really sucks. When my daddy first opened up to me about his battle with skin
cancer we had to have a separate talk that I now realize was extremely hard for
him. It was the “you (you being me) could have it to” talk. This talk also
included the fact that cancer can sometimes skip one to two generations at a
time. At the time I was more concerned with processing the idea I had to
“willingly” let another doctor poke me with painful needles and possible cut
stuff off/out of me. My preteen brain couldn’t handle the other parts. I didn’t
even want to handle the poke and cut part. I still don’t want to handle the poke
and cut part! I don’t like needles. Or cuts. Is there a return policy on
accepting that responsibility? Yeahhh I didn’t think there was…darn. Anyway
back to the part two realization. I’m referring to the skipping a generation or
two part of the talk.
The same friend who made the statement in Part One also
stated “it can skip a generation your kids could have it.” Boom! That hit me
like a 90 mile an hour fast ball. Kids. I could give my child cancer. I could
have to watch my own child go through the painful living hell that is called
cancer. Holy sugar honey iced tea! That’s a lot to process. The genetics
counselor tried to tell me this 2 years ago too. Y’all I must really like to
selectively ignore painful to process information that effects big life
responsibilities. Lord have mercy, if I had a dime for every time someone’s
made a reference to me having kids, “giving them grandbabies”, or the like in
the last couple years. I’d be a very rich woman. And yes I’m willing to admit
it somewhat got me thinking about whether I want kids. I realized why my daddy
struggled so much when he had to have that talk with us. I realized how
crushing having that knowledge could be. I’m a loving person. I’m a deeply
loving caring person. I’m also a mothering person. It’s a sometimes good
sometimes very bad habit. I am both a sympathetic and empathetic person. I
realized if I had a child and they had one of those 5 out of 6 types of cancer
it would absolutely destroy me. No one wants to know they caused their child the
pain and suffering I have seen. The average twentysomething year old doesn’t have
to deal with this information. Why do I gotta be different? Yeah, yeah, yeah I
know. It’s a little late to turn back now.
I’m processing it.
I’m processing all of it. The last two years have shown me to enjoy life and
the people in it while I can. I’m gonna leave this world one day, that’s a fact.
How or why I leave is yet to be determined. But I know I’m determined to leave the
world a better place. I am going to seriously think about whether or not children
could be in my future. My response at this time is still the same. As of right now I am
completely happy with my furbaby and enjoying the life I have.
I’m sure I’ll be sharing more soon because there will be
things happening with stories that I want to share. Some of it will even be
about why I’ve been so busy. I’m doing things that make the world a better
place one almost mental break down at a time. I’ll explain later.
TTYS,
Aleena
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