Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.

     I’m sure you all know of or have seen the new controversial Nike ad from which I got the title of this post. If not: there’s a Nike Ad, it’s controversial, I quoted it in the title of this post. Ok anyway, tonight my beliefs cost me the nonprofit I helped pilot and that will go down as a painful lesson learned in my personal history. I do not regret holding to my beliefs or the work I put in to make survivors look and feel as wonderful as they are, I wouldn’t change a thing. Though my feelings are hurt and I am sad I won’t be apart of it’s growth I am at peace with the fact that I created something amazing and will not be bullied into compromising my beliefs. I have asked my entire life to not be judged by others for things out of my control and I refuse to judge others for the same. I believe if you give someone your word you should hold to that promise. I believe that respect and titles should be earned not just given. I also believe that what is best for the people as a whole is more important than what a small privileged few want. I promised the survivors that I asked to support our dream that I would fight for them. I promised I would try my damnedest to make sure their voices were heard. I kept my promise. I promised those I asked to join my fight that I would do all in my power to make certain we followed our original dream and mission. I kept my promise. I promised we would be different. I failed. I trusted the wrong people and let us all down for that I am truly sorry.
     I thought we were going there I really did but somewhere from the time we made amazing things happen to today believing in something and working hard to make it happen became less important than social status. Obviously peoples beliefs were not what they appeared to be. Somehow I missed the signs. I’m sorry. I know an apology does not fix things. I know it can not right the wrongs that have been done. Even if I am not the one who hurt you I still offer you my apologies for the pain. It has all been one very big learning curve and a lot of people have been hurt. I know it was not the grassroots intentions. I guess I just got so caught up fueling the fire of the passion in my soul I didn’t see the knife slash the fuel line. I lost my connection with the engine. You can’t cut others down to build yourself up. I can only hope I’m not the only one learning valuable lessons from this. We all are works in progress.
     I haven’t lost hope. I will still make the world a better place just differently. I won’t let the actions of others change who I am. I hold no grudge. A grudge would hurt only me. My dream is still alive. I have too many amazing people who believe in me to go down and  give up over this. I have hope and as I’ve been told I’m only twenty-three.
     At twenty three I learned believing in something could cost you everything. But at sixteen I learned you have to lose it all to figure out how resilient you can be. Welcome to the world of cancer it’s one giant heartbreaking life lesson with a million twists and turns and dead ends too. It’ll knock you flat on your butt but you have to be willing to get back up and keep trying. It’s called determination. You have to be determined to hold on to hope. Hope and perseverance will get you through this. At least, that’s what I tell myself but what do I know I’m just a twenty-three year old that believed in something when no one else would and made a dream become reality. Next up on the blog: Different isn’t Weird.

TTYS,

Aleena

I Need It and Someone Else May Too

     I’ve written about a lot of different things on this blog and I realize there isn’t really an “about me” or “what is this” section, so I’m gonna change that. What is this Blog:
     Welcome to Cancer Through the Eyes of the Fighter’s Daughter! I chose to make this blog because I’m better at writing how I feel and see things than I am at saying it. I also needed an outlet to express myself without care of judgment or feeling like I’m adding to an already heavy burden. My hope is that maybe some day a girl unfortunately in a situation similar to my own will read this and maybe just maybe not feel so alone or crazy. I write because there are some days the idea that maybe I’m not the only twenty-something struggling with this gives me hope. We all need hope. Since starting the blog, I have found some survivors and even people outside the fight against cancer find comfort or insight they didn’t have before. That inspires me to keep writing. I write because I’m not “just twenty-three” *insert eye roll here*. I’m human. I feel things. I care about the world I live in and hope everyday to make it a better place by doing something. It may just be this blog keeping someone from going over the edge. If so I may never know and that’s okay.  There have been a couple times I’ve been on my own edge and had someone or something pull me back. This journey called life is stressful and when cancer chooses to join you that journey gets down right hard. I want people to know it’s okay to feel the struggle and express those feelings. I want people to see that even though I’m strong there are moments I’m extremely weak. I want people to see what I see on this journey.
     This blog is meant as a beacon in the dark to those on the journey. I know the road Cancer drives people down. I walk (or sometimes crawl) it next to you. You are not alone. You are not crazy or weak for feeling how you feel. If you are doing this journey on your own, you are a superhero and I am here to support you. If you have a support team helping you, I’m happy to join the peanut gallery. If you are the caregiver or loved one, you’re struggle is just as important as the fighter’s. I feel your pain. The journey is long and exhausting. There may be times you don’t think you can make it. You can. I may not even know you but I support your fight and believe in the fire in your soul. You can get through this. We all need a little extra support sometimes. I’m happy to be a listening ear or a word of encouragement if you need it. I’m only a message away.

TTYS,

Aleena

Empathy: What the World Needs

     Being what everyone else needs can be an amazing thing. There are days where I feel invincible, like there is no problem I can’t solve. Then there are days where I just don’t want to get out of bed because I feel utterly drained and the idea of dealing with people makes my whole being ache. These are the highs and lows of being an Empath. I feel the world and that helps me change it.
     Today I don’t feel on top of the world; today I don’t want to be what the rest of the world needs. Doing the Celebrate YOUR Life event took a lot out of me and I haven’t really been able to recover because I’ve been trying to get the rest of life back in order. This weekend I just couldn’t keep going. I’ve hidden in the darkness of my room making as little human contact as possible. Why? Being what makes everyone else happy is hard and I’m tired.
     I can make people feel at ease just by walking in a room. I can make people laugh and smile when they feel like crying. I can help people work through the turmoil in their minds. I can take the edge off someone’s pain just by hugging them. Complete strangers trust me. People I’ve never met before feel safe enough to tell me their life stories. The hardest of masks crack and let the tears flow through because I’m there. The darkest of secrets are shared without request.  Why? Because I’m an empath and people are drawn to the healing that having an empath can provide. It’s a one way street. I don’t just listen, I feel. I absorb. I feel the emotions of others as if they were my own. I walk into a room and feel the energy that everyone in it puts off. I help people feel better because I take whatever burdened them. It’s wonderful and awful at the same time. I enjoy making others feel better but it wears me down. I have to find outlets for the extra emotions I collect. Sometimes I just can’t keep going.
    There are times where I absolutely love being able to do all those things. It makes some parts of life easier. Other times, like today, I wish I could give the job to someone else. Being the one to make everyone else happy and keep the world running means there’s not always someone there for me. When I’m completely drained and exhausted in every way I think there is possible I want to isolate but I don’t want to be alone. I’m human. I want nothing and everything at the same time. When you’ve collected the burdens of all those around you where do you lay your burden when it gets too heavy? On the ground next to you. You’ll pick it up after you rest. It may take a day or two.
    Don’t worry I’ll be back to my chipper life saving self soon. The world keeps turning therefore I must keep going. I just want the world to know we aren’t all perfect. We aren’t all happy, laughing, optimistic wonder women all the time. Even those who make the world a better place need someone to make their world a better place from time to time. We all need each other so remember to treat others as you wish to be treated. You could be what that person needs today.

TTYS,

Aleena

Celebrate YOUR Life

     Ever had a conversation with someone that shaped who you wanted to be as a person? Ever had it end in a promise? At 5 years old I had such a conversation with the woman I describe as the pillar of my soul. Minnie Ruth Fields, my Meemaw, was a woman of wisdom, faith, and straight forward conversations. She’s half the genes I get my missing brain to mouth filter and stubbornness from. The other half is my great granny and she’s the same kind of woman too. I love and admire those two more than anything in this world. If you met them you’d understand. But anyway, at 5 years old I sat on my Meemaw’s lap as she told me the truth about the world and it led to the life changing event that happened August 3,2018. Here’s what she said:
     “The world isn’t full of nice people. Not everyone is gonna care about others. The world is a hard place to live and a lot of people don’t have hope or faith anymore. There aren’t many people able to change the world for the better anymore. You’re gonna be one of those people. You’re going to make the world a better place. It’s not gonna be easy. Remember to always treat others as you wish to be treated. Don’t you ever stop being loving, and kind, and caring. No matter how mean or nasty or hurtful everyone else is. You’re gonna make a difference, you’re gonna be what I couldn’t. Promise me. Promise me you’ll make the world a better place.”
     That day I made her that promise and on Friday August 3, 2018 I succeeded in keeping that promise. After over a year of planning I helped give back to 60 cancer survivors and their families. We made women who no longer felt attractive feel beautiful again. We gave the husbands, wives, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, friends, and children of those survivors the smiles and people back that they’d been missing. You guys, I got to watch my mama feel beautiful again. She smiled and laughed and enjoyed herself for more than just a few minutes. She did it for a whole day! That hasn’t happened in almost 2 years. It was beautiful. The survivors were beautiful. It was so very imperfectly perfect that it wasn’t pretty but it was beautiful.
     Putting something like that together is hard work. And on the day of, trying to keep the chaos moving in the direction we wanted it to go kept me on my feet and moving non-stop. I didn’t take the time to stop and take pictures but I did take the time to talk with some of the survivors. They changed my life. I had gotten to know a few from previous survivor events and others from helping them with their dress fittings. I actually even got to “assist” with the portrait session of one the survivors I had gotten to know previously. We had to have a heart to heart talk. She’s a stunningly gorgeous soul, the fact that she survived cancer and still looks like that would make your jaw drop. She can’t see anything but the scars and what-if comparisons. I wanted her to see what I see. Y’all I admitted to a woman twice my age, that survived cancer, that I wished I looked like her and she laughed at me. I was serious! So the whole time she had her session I stood behind Gail, the photographer who’s dream made the whole event happen, and made faces to get her to laugh so she wouldn’t feel self-conscious. It made my heart happy to do it.
     After it was all said and done I had more survivors hug me and thank me than I could count. I hugged each and every one back and thanked them for making it possible. If only they could understand they were making an even bigger difference than we were.
     To have been able to make something with such an astonishingly positive affect on so many people from something that has negatively impacted my life for so long was surreal. I honestly don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I feel it in my soul. It’s big and it’s wonderful and I know my Meemaw would be proud. I got to share it with people I love. I also got to share it with people who care as much as I do, I really didn’t think there were so many of us out there. We all came together and made the world a better place. We changed lives and we get to do it all again next year! Oh yeah, did I forget to mention Celebrate YOUR Life is becoming a 501c nonprofit? Go big or go home, right. I feel abundantly grateful to have been able to keep my promise, make someone’s dream come true, and have so many people step-up and change the world. It may sound crazy but I think cancer has helped me find my calling.

TTYS,

Aleena

The Gift and the Curse

     The spark has returned! For a while I haven’t felt like sharing. Maybe for a while I just wanted to get through stuff on my own without the whole world being in on it. Or for a while I haven’t been able to put my thoughts in an acceptable enough order to share. I think I’ve finally come up with something I want to share and that I just might be able to make sense to other people.

     I’ve stated before that cancer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It’s played a very big role in my past and the person I have become. I’ve known cancer  would play a big role in my future but yesterday I had an idea of just how big a role in my future it would play sink in. Now this idea has been thrown at me twice before but I always brushed it off. Yesterday it hit home and hit home hard. It’s not so much an idea as it is a realization I guess. The realization also has two parts both of which kinda really REALLY suck. In case any one missed the memo cancer sucks. Cancer really REALLY sucks.

     Part One: There are 10 well known common cancer awareness ribbon colors. Of those 10 I can honestly wear 6 of them as they have impacted my life tremendously. Each of those ribbons has a name attached. 5 out of 6 have multiple names attached and with those multiple names 5 out of 6 are blood relatives. 5 out of 6 are also direct family members. That’s a lot of cancer. When I shared that realization with a friend who also lacks a brain to mouth filter like me, she stunned me with her response. “Your gonna end up with something. The numbers are just there.” So that’s what I sound like to other people. I can see why some people are put off by my honesty. I don’t have anything…yet. I’ve seen the pain, struggles, and even death 6 out of 10 types of cancer bring. I’ve cared for, loved, and even helped treat (some not all) 6 out of 10 types of cancer. Cancer has given me the gift of empathy, compassion, and understanding for 6 out of 10 types of Cancer. If it is in the plan unknown to me I could be a survivor like 4 out of 6. Or I could join the 2 out of 6 worn in honor of the fallen. I don’t want to die but there is a possibility cancer could kill me. I also realized I come from a long line of cancer fighting, strong, amazing people. I’ll be durned if I won’t go down kicking and screaming like the rest. 

     Part Two: This is the part I’ve heard before and this is also the part I’ve never really let sink in. This is the part that really sucks. When my daddy first opened up to me about his battle with skin cancer we had to have a separate talk that I now realize was extremely hard for him. It was the “you (you being me) could have it to” talk. This talk also included the fact that cancer can sometimes skip one to two generations at a time. At the time I was more concerned with processing the idea I had to “willingly” let another doctor poke me with painful needles and possible cut stuff off/out of me. My preteen brain couldn’t handle the other parts. I didn’t even want to handle the poke and cut part. I still don’t want to handle the poke and cut part! I don’t like needles. Or cuts. Is there a return policy on accepting that responsibility? Yeahhh I didn’t think there was…darn. Anyway back to the part two realization. I’m referring to the skipping a generation or two part of the talk. 

     The same friend who made the statement in Part One also stated “it can skip a generation your kids could have it.” Boom! That hit me like a 90 mile an hour fast ball. Kids. I could give my child cancer. I could have to watch my own child go through the painful living hell that is called cancer. Holy sugar honey iced tea! That’s a lot to process. The genetics counselor tried to tell me this 2 years ago too. Y’all I must really like to selectively ignore painful to process information that effects big life responsibilities. Lord have mercy, if I had a dime for every time someone’s made a reference to me having kids, “giving them grandbabies”, or the like in the last couple years. I’d be a very rich woman. And yes I’m willing to admit it somewhat got me thinking about whether I want kids. I realized why my daddy struggled so much when he had to have that talk with us. I realized how crushing having that knowledge could be. I’m a loving person. I’m a deeply loving caring person. I’m also a mothering person. It’s a sometimes good sometimes very bad habit. I am both a sympathetic and empathetic person. I realized if I had a child and they had one of those 5 out of 6 types of cancer it would absolutely destroy me. No one wants to know they caused their child the pain and suffering I have seen. The average twentysomething year old doesn’t have to deal with this information. Why do I gotta be different? Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. It’s a little late to turn back now. 

      I’m processing it. I’m processing all of it. The last two years have shown me to enjoy life and the people in it while I can. I’m gonna leave this world one day, that’s a fact. How or why I leave is yet to be determined. But I know I’m determined to leave the world a better place. I am going to seriously think about whether or not children could be in my future. My response at this time is still the same. As of right now I am completely happy with my furbaby and enjoying the life I have. 

     I’m sure I’ll be sharing more soon because there will be things happening with stories that I want to share. Some of it will even be about why I’ve been so busy. I’m doing things that make the world a better place one almost mental break down at a time. I’ll explain later.

TTYS,

Aleena